YOU

Oh my God! 

I DO NOT like YOU!! 

For the life of me I CANNOT fathom WHY you casually walked into my to create a literal PANDEMONIUM in every aspect of my being! Aarrgghh.

We are often told to kick out people who add no value to our lives live in our heads rent free. Now, as far as I’m concerned YOU DO NOT add value to my life in any way, type, shape or form! But here YOU are creating CHAOS, spear heading protests and above all YOU are holding me at gunpoint with my hands tied behind my back! My ONLY initial question in my life when dealing with a human creating such TURMOIL in my life is ‘WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE'??!!

Oh! How I have asked this question!!! My pride laughs at me! My mental faculties are like....’you aren’t solving global warming might aswel let this human just 'hang' in here'. My guardian angels literally having a whole shin dig to my total and utter cry for help! God up there smirking. My ancestors be like ‘we left that human plane. Don’t involve us'. And I am GOBSMACKED! The universe and everything that’s always had my back has taken the back seat, crossed their legs and are sipping on my anguish with wanton relish! Throwing a 'cheers' every so often.

I haven’t cried yet.....I want to so I can get YOU out of my system like I do with all viruses! My system has decided YOU run this sh*t!! Oh how I curse YOU! I’ve woken up at 3am to REBUKE YOU! And I can literally hear the people in my head snickering. Aaarrggghhh. God on the other hand is like....’G this is a very powerful hr to waste prayers on this’. YOU have TESTED my faith! My relationship with God too!! You automatically have my guardian Angels  in your corner!! A monumental feat!! My people???!!! The people that move heaven and earth to protect me have embraced ‘YOU’???!!! Again begs the question....the fundamental yet super basic query....WHO ARE YOU??? Better yet....WHAT ARE YOU??? And I also have to check out the box of ‘WHO SENT YOU'??? 

All I want is to talk to you ALL the time. I have conversations with you in my head constantly. Anything that happens in my life you’re the first person I want to tell. YOU got my unique sense of humour. Caught all my puns. Conversations with you were  DIVINELY WONDROUS. Then classic Getty did what I always do and started fighting you for making me feel good. I started having tantrums and champions league type of mood swings because I NEVER know what to do or act when my emotions want to overthrow my brain. I can say it but I won’t show it which renders the words redundant. Yeah. Grow up. I know. Sigh. 

I hate not being in control in my own life. My feelings included. Any hint of mental or emotional disorganization that a human will be bring my way, I’m out the door. Anything I can't psycho analyse I can't handle. Feelings being the gate keeper of this problem. I know feelings can't be explained but the way my brain is wired....it has to make sense up there 1st so the rest of the body can be allowed to embrace it.

Other than having a blast with YOU. I DO NOT know YOU. I know absolutely NOTHING about you and here is my arsenal embracing YOU. Holding on to YOU. Yearning for YOU. Craving for YOU. Which is RIDICULOUS. My spirit KNOWS YOU. My guardian angels TRUST YOU. My God and His angels including the seven archangels won’t even listen to me when it comes to YOU. My ancestors have warned me to let them actually rest because YOU are not a threat. My mind relishes accommodating you rent free. I am on my own when it comes YOU.

I have been living in denial. Fighting even my spirit and God Himself when it comes to YOU. Nobody I explain it to understands me. Some claim ‘love portion' but I know my spirit would have repelled YOU if that was so. My guardian angels wouldn’t allow that. My mind would have shut you out because I am NOBODY’S puppet! God would have responded to my prayers like He always does. My ancestors would be up in arms. There would be an uproar in my arsenal. But it’s not business as usual with you. 

I still can’t cry. The only thing I’ve realised is YOU aren’t the usual viruses my being is used to yet it trusts YOU. So YOU weren’t brought into my life to hurt me. Clearly. Zero tears. No heartbreak. Just longing, craving, yearning and wishing. Do I care if you’re with someone else? Hmm...I’ve tried to care honestly. I genuinely don’t care. I just want YOU. In whatever capacity. The probability of showing you this are 99% NIL. YOU see that???? Right there!! That’s the crux of the matter! I’m NOT even jealous! AGAIN...what are YOU???!!!

 I hate that I can’t purge YOU from my energy. I have TRIED!!

How does this story end?? I feel like there's a lesson I should be learning with this and for the life of me I can't put my finger on it!

Will just have to ride out this tsunami I guess. My wits have abandoned me. My intuition goes suspiciously quiet when it comes to YOU. I am flying blind. Literally and figuratively. 

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MIDNIGHT SUN

The thing with life is it MOVES ON! Doesn't matter if you think yours has stopped. As long as your heartbeat is still beating away.....life goes on.

You might be having a terrible day. Grieving the loss of a loved one. Lost your job. Declared bankrupt. Getting divorced. The list is basically endless. The point still is life goes on.

I know those days you don't want to leave your bed. When you don't even want to get up from under the covers. Then the're the nights your sure the sun won't come up because your entire world was just turned upside down. The days when you can't stand seeing anyone; even family, spouse or even your close friends. Been there myself several times.

Then the're the broken heart periods when your sure your heart is too shattered to keep going. Or your brain is too fried with stress to keep functioning. Incredible thing is they keep going! They might not work at 1000% but they don't stop.

Im in awe how day turns into night and vice versa no matter what. I was in a really dark place awhile ago.....and in that storm/tornado/hurricane in that point in my life I discovered my strength.

It was dark. It was scary. It was lonely because nobody truly understands the issues we have. (They can relate. They can empathise. They can be sympathetic. They can make themselves available for you or lend you a shoulder to lean on or a patient ear. But....they never really get the crux of the matter.). It was mind numbing. It was emotionally crippling. But. EVERYTHING around me was alive! Everyone was living their lives despite their losses, pain and grievances. Some even had the strength to smile through.

Then life decided it was tired of living me behind and my brain began to work faster. I remembered what I still had despite my loss or pain or any other issues. In the darkest of nights my sun came up. Life moved on within me despite the issues that had threatened my performance. My purpose.

Im no expert but life really does go on. Every single minute of everyday everyone around you is fighting a battle you know nothing about. But they get up and keep it moving.

Take all the time you need to heal. Then dust yourself off and keep it moving. Life's not easy but it's definitely precious. We only get one. Find your midnight Sun and hold on to it.

Human beings are phenomenal. We are at the top of the food chain with good reason. We're legit.

Whatever it is.....You'll pull through. You're HUMAN. Your midnight Sun is on its way to your rescue.


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TICK TOCK

I can't breathe.
I can't eat.
I can't think.
Im drowning in my own tears.
My heart keeps stopping.
Nobody warned me.
Nobody prepared me.
Im stuck.
Im lost.
........................
........................

I don't know tomorrow.
I don't even know the next hr.
I know nothing.
I'm still lost.
I'm bleeding.
I'm on life support.
Literally.

...........................
...........................

The promises, now empty.
They were sweet,yes. Sweet nothings.
Forever? Hahaha. Yes. Forever in debt to promises not kept.

......................................
......................................

What doesn't kill you....moulds you.
Promises not kept.....build walls.
I don't know what to do but I'm alive and that gives me hope.
Hope that tomorrow will be better.
Hope that tomorrow I'll get a promise that'll be kept.
Hope that tomorrow will bring healing.

.............................
.............................

It will be well.
It has to be.
There's no other way.
The Ashes.
The tears.
The broken pieces.
The long nights.
The bleak days.

...........................
...........................

All will be accounted for.
Tick Tock.

WATU NA VIATU

 In swahili there's a saying that says 'kuna watu na viatu'. Direct translation is 'there are people and there are shoes'. As in; there are people and then there are people that don't actually behave as per the norm of the expected civilised human.

People that are selfish. Hypocritical. Negative zero common human courtesy (that isn't so common lately). Professional/pathological liars. Thrive off on negative energy and senseless drama. Low self-esteem. Always miserable. I could go on but I wouldn't want to bore you.
I just recently realised that particular type of human beings are the most toxic, the least progressive in any department of their lives and the most LONELY individuals! I'm I sympathising with this particular species? Definitely NOT.  I PITY them. They're so MISERABLE and TOXIC that they're allergic to good things. They're allergic to build or be near good vibes, positive energy, progressive milestones or even have good relationships with the people in their lives.

Then I also realised the truth literally KILLS them! Like they don't like the truth especially if it's positive in any way,type,shape or form. They're happier to fabricate positive truth with negative. They just gotta taint it. Its incredible! Like I personally believe that's a gift. Then they work overtime in tearing people's self-esteem to bring them down to add to their numbers in 'misery ville'. We all know or have heard of the popular saying that goes...'misery loves company'.

So I'm currently at the conclusion that....we all get discouraged at some point. We all get betrayed. We all get abandoned by the people we'd take a bullet for when we need their help the most. Even by family! We all get alienated for one stupid reason or another. We all get humiliated and insulted at some point. And its ok. I mean l know life isn't perfect. I know human beings are hardwired to be really shady and even cruel. Nobody asks to be treated that way even by their enemies.

No matter how terribly you're treated it's NOT your fault. You have to understand that. Wether you made a mistake or not. (Y'all busy rolling your eyes now I know. Lol). We human beings are at the top of the food chain but we don't even treat trees right! We don't treat the soil that grows our food right! Food that we NEED as much as we need oxygen!! Thus treating each other has deteriorated inexplicably. So whoever you wrong or didn't wrong has the choice to come at with both guns blazing or walk away and let karma have a go at you. Coz that b***h doesn't miss! She knows everyone's address; even if you're homeless.

If I'm sounding all high and mighty. Forgive me. Im furthest from it. I lash out like anyone. But I'm terrible at holding grudges. Grudges are exhausting. They're heavy. And I'm too lazy to keep carrying them. Im just sharing what I've recently realised. Toxic people have a foundation for their behaviour and they built on it instead of breaking free. Misery loves company that's why miserable people will flog you with their experience in that dept.
So as they attack you or lash out.....ask yourself.....'how were they raised?'......'how were they socially as kids?'......'who hurt them?!' There has to be a story behind the negativity, the toxicity, the misery, the low self-esteem, the LIES. There's got to be a story as to why they work extra hard to spread and pour out all that poisonous energy into all their relationships. At work,at home, in their social interactions and some even to their kids.
And sometimes I have ask myself how much do they get paid?! Do they get richer?! Or they simply add the numbers of the people who'd gladly sprint away from them?!

Yours truly:

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THE 'D' GRADE. (cause it's father's day!!)

First and foremost...
HAPPIEST FATHER’S DAY TO ALL THE FATHERS AND MOTHERS FILLING BOTH SHOES!!!
Now this ‘D’ grade is all about the father’s that actually stuck around and earned themselves the sterling ‘Daddy’ name.
Almost every male human being on earth can be a father but it takes a whole other breed of male humans to make a ‘Daddy’. (Get your minds out of the gutter people! It’s father's day!!)
I have been blessed with the most INVOLVED dad that it gets annoying almost everyday and every hour if he wasn’t busy. Growing up it was really suffocating. But now as an adult I truly APPRECIATE him. I’ve grown up with friends who talk to their fathers out of a sense of ‘duty’. Others because society and culture and religious teachings tell us we should answer when called by an adult and especially your parent. I love my father. No matter how long his calls get..
..i cherish them. Plus he’s really ENTERTAINING!! Hihihi. I get some of my creativity and theatrics from him. I’m not saying we don’t fuss and fight. We do! We are both stubborn, love having things our way and we definitely have very parallel ways of looking at life and living it. But he’s my first love. He made sure I understood that on my bad days he is there. Whether I like it or not. He makes sure during my heart breaks....(i never tell him but he always knows)...he reminds me over and over how beautiful iam and how lucky any man would be to have me. This man right here fights even ME and my stubborn and rebellious self just to keep me close. Why would I settle for less?! I LOVE YOU DAD. No matter what happens I APPRECIATE you.
Now both my parents have helped raised most of my orphaned or abandoned cousins and even non relatives. And they are even more ‘nosy’ (And I mean that in the most affectionate way) with all their adopted children. There’s just this one problem.....the abandoned children they’ve raised have fathers. Now it got to a place the fathers started reaching out and my parents refused to let them into their biological children's lives. I also thought it was to protect my adopted siblings but as an adult and with all the ‘daddy issues’ loitering around I’ve realised my parents might have thought it was for the best but it never was.
Why? Because my adopted siblings are carrying around lethal portions of bitterness and resentment towards their biological parents and even extended relatives at large. Asking “why didn’t you come for us?” “Why didn’t you fight hard enough to get us?” “where have you been?” “what was so important?” And what have you. Which is natural. We all want people who claim to love us or who should love whether they want to or not (our parents) to actually fight for us. As an adult I now understand that our parents shape us into the human beings we are or still becoming and there’s nothing we can do about it. If you have a great dad you want be like him when you grow up and even emulate him in bringing up your children and how you treat women. Then if he’s just a terrible person. He abandoned you. He was there but never provided. Never supported you. You couldn't  even talk to him and he was right there. Or if he was a drunkard or junkie. Or never treated your mother well......all these negatives will make you want to be better than him. Be a better man for yourself, your spouse and even your children. But! Some actually take this as an example and follow in those  negative footsteps. Either way our parents shape us into the human beings we become.
My simple suggestion....don’t hide your children from their biological fathers or mothers and relatives. Don’t be the reason they don’t know their roots. Don’t stand in their way of growth. Let them decide. You can only guide and counsel them. You can’t change their DNA no matter what. So you laid the bed now you got to lie in It!! Respect your children's heritage! Whether their fathers earn the sterling ‘D’ grade or not is up to them!

 Happy father’s day once again to the sterling Dads out there!!!

THEE 'V' MONOLOGUES (part 1).

I'm calling this upcoming series.....thee 'V' monologues' meaning....thee 'VENTING' monologues. A girl has got to vent at some point anyway.

There’s a particular ‘human being’ I was quite unfortunate to encounter in my journey of this life.
This human being has all the makings of a bad egg plant. ‘Eeww’?! I know! Anyways so we were ‘friends’ or rather I ASSUMED so. We got to know each other.....blah blah. The usual customary shenanigans that go with any new friendship. Then out of nowhere she starts creating issues and I’m like ‘whoa!’ what in the world is going on here?! Any usual reaction. Right? And the worst part is I personally was never confronted. Though confronting is usually not an easy feat. But as ‘friends’ that shouldn’t be a problem. I mean...you ‘know’ me. Ehe, so she takes the issue to the public. It gets back to me ofcourse. Then the ‘confrontation’ meet is held finally. And this human being can’t solidly express the issue she's got with me and I lost it. Like seriously, don’t come for me if you ain’t got anything solid to throw my way.

Bottom line is;
 1) MY LIFE doesn’t revolve around You! I actually have a life. I have my beauty sleep to keep up with. I have my hustle I’m working on. I have other relationships to tend to....etc.

2) Herself was never a day she actually came through for me. None. It’s been a year now by the way. And I’ve replayed that short period over and over and yes....heifer. You never came through. Best be sure.

3) I’m so sorry for ever coming across your particular type of ‘heifersm’. Because to be honest I insulted my INTELLECT. I insulted my upbringing. I can now thank my folks for their PERSISTENCE in discipline socially and otherwise.

4) My mistake was my misplaced loyalty. Especially in fighting your battles that never even concerned me. In fact I was never there when you picked them. Should have noticed the glaring fact that you never keep friends. But I wasn’t built to judge. Most unfortunate!
I fight a good fight. Verbally and physically but above all I write best. And you were never worth even the time leave alone the energy.
Moral: No matter what NEVER ever let anyone take you for a joy ride. Life is way too short for joyrides. I’m not talking about relationships. Those are a whole different story. That i’ll get to soon.
Don’t let friendships bring you down simply because they can. Pick your struggles. Pick your fights. You’ve got your gut feeling or your instincts. TRUST them! We all have 999 problems and draining friendships shouldn’t be one.
This particular type of ‘human beings’ will use you then when they're done...they’ll act you did them wrong and leave things messy as they move on to ‘USE’ someone else. It’s never you. It’s them. Let’s learn from our mistakes.

Yours Uncensored.

(stay tuned😈).

THE 'F' WORD

This is for all the people out there that their families or people they thought would be there for them through the worst times of their lives......but I’m all about family today.

Fact is we can’t choose family. That’s determined and chosen the second we are conceived in our mother's wombs. As long as she’s ovulating and responds to her hormones. (Had to get crude). From then henceforth your family is firmly ENGRAVED on STONE. From your parents, siblings to cousins, aunties, uncles, grandparents to the entire clan!! You’re even eternally tied to your ancestors no matter who they were. Such is life.

Now; we all grow up believing and knowing that as long as you got family......you're entitled to certain privileges we ‘assume’ are our rights and that applies to everyone that came way before us.
Privileges like; being loved just as you are.....being supported no matter what....being helped whenever or however....
You can imagine your brain's SHOCK when family isn’t what it used to be. Parents and relatives actually CHOOSE who to support amongst you and your siblings plus cousins and even distant relatives you didn’t even know you had!!  I mean “dad/mom!! Err.....excuse me!! Like I’m right here! Not doing so well.....so like....um....I NEED your HELP too!! Can’t you see that?! I’m worse off here!” And blah blah blah. Your silent cries turn into outbursts or tantrums or you simply shut down.
Family isn't a “privilege” our generation gets to enjoy. And I’m NOT talking about “ALL” families on this planet. But ‘most’ and the numbers are growing alarmingly. Our forefathers were beyond blessed. Nobody gave up on anybody. Especially FAMILY. Aunties, uncles and grandparents would worry about their grandchildren, nieces and nephews. Even from distant relatives and even chip in and OFFER help. In fact they would shove the help in your face whether you wanted/liked or not.

In all honesty human beings will always be human beings. We are a very ‘SPECIAL’ type of species.
We easily take things and people for granted. Even as we lose people around us friend, foe and stranger.....you’d think something would spark off in our brains to straighten atleast just one relationship in our lives and APPRECIATE this gift of life that we've been blessed with and treat each other better. Instead ‘selfishness’ is taking root and spreading like wild fire.
My heart breaks for the potential leaders, record breaking artists, next level type of innovators etc that are currently SLOWLY dying inside because you look worthless to the people around you and especially your family. Wherever you are I hope you get to read this. All hope isn’t lost. As long as you have hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better. The biggest and most fulfilling love of all is you loving yourself first. Accept that nobody's perfect. Accept your imperfections. That’s your identity. They are what make you special. Your own brand of ‘perfect’. Own it. Love it. Use it.
Family is still made up of human beings. At the end of the day everyone in it is busy fighting their own share of battles with the world and within themselves. They’ll talk you down. They’ll act like they know how to help you ‘sort’ you out but mostly give up or lose interest. Listen....accept your weaknesses and strengthen your strengths. Love yourself above all. You will most definitely attract the people you need around you. They themselves won’t understand what drew them to you. It will be LOVE. LOVE for yourself will turn the energy around you into positive energy.
Positive energy attracts human beings to it like a magnet. After all is said and done no man is an island. We all need our fellow humans one way or another.
Don’t let family acting out....acting shady.....or even kicking you out into the streets keep you from loving yourself. Many times we ask ourselves why? Stop it. As long as you’re an adult and not a kid. Work on yourself. Work hard. Love all your family members. Even the ones that let you down or didn’t believe in you and even the ones that refused to help you out outright. Love them from a distance. Let the grudges go. Let go of the bitterness. It’s cultivating into negative energy that you most definitely don’t need. Your family loves you but they're still HUMAN. We all need to realise not everyone is ‘visionary’. Otherwise we would all be very RICH. If we all saw into each other's potential. We would all invest in each other. But, alas! That's definitely not happening with this generation! Sad fact. But....you have yourself! Live! Love! Grow! Eat! Learn! Laugh!